Recently I've realized that I am not happy with my current "relationship" or whatever it is that me and my daughter's dad have. I realized that he is not committed to me and his family and that honestly, the best thing to do is to leave and move on. This wasn't an easy decision, but I can only handle so much and this is it. I need to find someone who truly loves me and isn't constantly conflicted about what is right and wrong. I know I will find this person someday. I don't know when and I'm not even looking. This is going to be a weird transition from being in a relationship to truly being single. As much as I hate to admit it, being in a relationship for almost three years has made me dependent on someone else. I remember being so independent and now I loathe at the thought of doing things by myself, single. I know this will be a tough challenge for me to overcome, but in the end it will be worth it. I'll own myself again and be able to provide for myself and my daughter, Caroline, easily. In recent times, I've become closer to God. Since before the new year I started going to church and took the 3o day challenge on my local Christian station KSBJ. I'ts been more than 30 days and I still only listen to KSBJ in the car. I know this somewhat small change and being closer to God is what made it possible to be able to make this decision. I don't think I could ever go back to being with the father of my daughter. From a religious standpoint I would love to because I want Caroline to grow up with both her parents together, but from a personal spiritual standpoint I know that isn't the best decision right now. I've always believed if you're meant to be it'll happen and so I'm letting go right now. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but if I were to get back together with him it would have to be because of some 180 degree change he had done to himself and his lifestyle. Otherwise, I know I cannot accept how he currently is. I just pray that I get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even though I know some days will be harder than others.
On a different, more optimistic note, I am redoing my 101 things to do in 1001 days. I think my previous goals were a bit too superficial for how I'm feeling right now. I'll post those later on once I get them done. Hopefully I'll be motivated by those goals to get through this easier.
xoxo
kani
